This is why we can say- "we have everything, because we have You." and that there is no greater joy, than knowing Christ.

How do you feel about your father?
What do you think about God?

Only your love can rescue me.
Love, rescue me. Love, rescue me.
How much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! Love is what compelled you to send your Son to die on the cross to cleanse us forever and usher is into your kingdom of righteousness. "We love because He first love us" - with this love poured out into us, and with His daily strength and grace, we can "love the Lord your God with al your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind", His first and greatest commandment for us.

Now Francis is mostly about challenging us to live big and radically for our magnificent God who shines his once-unapproachable light on us. It's a book about transformation and re-thinking who God really is and how we should live in response - not lukewarm, stagnant, or passive.

Chapter one: Consider the work of God's hands. He talks about God's diversity, creativity and sophistication in his creations of the entire universe; it's something I've considered before - how insignificant the earth and our sun is amidst the milky way galaxy, and in turn how the milk way glaxaxy is turn just another speck among all the OTHER galaxies. and us? literally quite invisible. "Oh His art and handiwork!" It echoes the truth that He is glorious:

Psalm 19:1-4 "The Heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands. Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they display knowledge. Here is no speech or language where their voice is not heard. Their voice goes out into all the earth, their words to the ends of the world." God gave us salvation and eternal life, the cross to turn to for grace daily, and an all-magnificent world and universe out there. Our response: whole-hearted worship, deep-seated reverence/fear of him, sincere love for who His is.

There is, however: The Epidemic of spiritual amnesia. "No matter how many fascinating details of what we learn about His work on the cross, creation, glaxies and daily sunsets.. we forget. we keep forgetting.

Soon she's down the stairs
Her morning elegance she wears
The sound of water makes her dream
Awoken by a cloud of steam
She pours a daydream in a cup
A spoon of sugar sweetens up

And She fights for her life
As she puts on her coat
And she fights for her life on the train
She looks at the rain
As it pours
And she fights for her life
As she goes in a store
With a thought she has caught
By a thread
She pays for the bread
And She goes...
Nobody knows

Sun been down for days
A winter melody she plays
The thunder makes her contemplate
She hears a noise behind the gate
Perhaps a letter with a dove
Perhaps a stranger she could love

How? In what way shall you humble yourselves? Answer (v. 7): by "casting all your anxiety upon Him, because He cares for you." In other words, the humblest thing in the world is to do what 1 Peter 4:19 says, "Entrust your soul to a faithful Creator." Casting your anxieties on God means trusting the promise that he cares for you and has the power and the wisdom to put that care to work in the most glorious way.

That trust is the opposite of pride. It's the essence of humility. It's the confidence that the mighty hand of God is not over you to crush you but to care for you just like the promise says. Don't be proud, but cast your anxieties on him because he will care for you.

"God laid down everything for us - please do not give it away to the world." God gave us salvation, and we are returning to the world to be destroyed again.

And what is that "everything"? What so great about that "everything" - isn't it just one man who suffered brutally and died to save billions and billions of people over thousands of years that have passed? Then that's not so great after all - it seems a fair exchange. It's just one man. but it's not a fair exchange, for the truth that we were not worth dying for, we were worthless from the very start. And he was GOD. unblemished, sinless, holy and righteous. He knew no sin, but died for OUR sin. Can you imagine being tortured and giving your life up for worms. cockroaches. whatever works for you. filth, basically. Does it make a difference that it's for billions of worms? Even more repulsive. we were and are nothing in the eyes of a righteous God.

But he loved us. and saved us from eternal condemnation. now we can sit at his table and enjoy the feast of an abundant life he has prepared for us, have joy and have it in full. Above all, eternal paradise is awaiting our arrival when we pass away through death. we WILL die someday, where will we go?

"Blessed are those who have not seen but still believed." John 20:29

i'm so so so tired

stilltoseethedawn.

and because i couldn't find a version of "Come, thou long expected jesus" sung and played in the exact way i like - why!): The instrumental version...

COME, THOU LONG EXPECTED JESUS (INSTRUMENTAL)

Come thou long-expected Jesus,
Born to set Thy people free;
From our fears and sins release us,
Let us find our rest in Thee.
Israel's strength and consolation,
Hope of all the earth Thou art;
Dear Desire of every nation,
Joy of every longing heart.

Born Thy people to deliver,
Born a Child and yet a King.
Born to reign in us for ever,
Now Thy gracious kingdom bring.

1 Thess 5:19 warns us not to "put out the Spirit's fire" and Ephesians 4:30 says not to grieve it with corrupting talk, bitterness wrath slander etc. Those could be one of the indicators of a heart that resists the spirit. We are commanded to bear the fruit of the Spirit, to "be kind to one another, tender-hearted and forgiving." A heart the bears the fruit of the spirit is a heart filled with the spirit. Our hearts will always be evil, but we can be open to the spirit's transformative power in us; it is there to convict us of our sin and remind us of the teachings of Christ.

I want only to seek you with heart and sincerity and out of genuine desire to find you and get to know you more deeply than i did yesterday. and i hope my fellowship will never be characterized by striving; when we talk about You i hope we never merely strive to prove each other wrong or right, or show who knows more or less. Not let our pride and judgement fall between us. Sometimes I just want it to be You and me, God. To grapple with separating truths from lies together with just you, or at least you first. To let my guard down with you and tell you my thoughts and allow you to guide me with your own word, in your way and time. To seek your divine wisdom and not fallible human wisdom first. and you promise that if we seek, we shall find.

It was Dad's birthday tonight, we went to Robertson's Quay! :D And had hot chocolate "in its purest form" and told many funny and some amazing stories and it was a good night, hearts.

Talking about nice places, have also found ideal studying hideout place for this semester! It is STARBUCKS, the area I will not say but starbucks never fails to please me :)along with its ice green tea latte, mmmm.

Anyway, two of some songs I've listened repeatedly to throughout the week: My Crane Wife (all 3) by the decemberists (which is the love, I really want to watch them live one day!) and The Mummer's Dance by Loreena Mckennit, which is some very enjoyable celtic music :D

A last piece of news: I'm put on waiting list for summer exchange after too many phonecalls, emails and frenzied prayers. I've thought about it - while I really want this and it's a big desire of mine to go off and away for awhile, I really want God's green light as much, and it wouldn't feel right without it. So I will be terribly happy to go, if only He opens the door for me. This is going to call for trust and prayer, and at the end of it He will know what to do.

Alright, 11.11pm, it's Sunday soon :) And I shall put the mummer's dance up here, nah:

Today was :) though! Productive plus I'm remembering dear people who messaged to wish me all the best / encouraged me / said they were thinking of me / are praying for me. I am grateful thank you :D And am almost recovered, which perks me back up superly I am such a grouch when i'm sick.

Also have decided that! with my life! I really want to do a whole mad myriad of things that will revolve around what I really stand for from the bottom of my heart: God people purpose. I will be glad to EXHAUST myself if it is doing something I love. If there's anything 21 years has taught me about myself it's that if i'm anything less than whole-hearted about something/someone I just don't function right, even if I'm there in person I am never there in heart.

I'm 22 for a moment
She feels better than ever
And we're on fire
Making our way back from Mars

This morning Pastor Chris' message was so hard to swallow i couldn't even bring myself to take notes. It was about frustrated desires and hindered ambition being the root to all conflicts, from those amidst our family and the church to wars in our world. indeed. The more i think about it, the more i think it's wholly true. Hitler desired a pure german race and killed millions because the Jews frustrated that desire. The world superpowers US and USSR held ambitions to emerge as the stronger more powerful one and the other party hindered it. It led to the Cold War. And right down to family conflicts. right down some more to my heart. Frustrated desires. hindered ambitions - it's comes up all the time. The pride that's hurt or frustrated, the resentment envy bitterness that ensue, the quickness of rising tempers. The message kept striking a chord and ringing true.

"The prayer of a righteous man avails much. praying to help us take our place in Christ every day. A matter of intimacy and connection, a matter of submission and receiving all that God has for us on a particular day.

My dear lord Jesus, I come to you now to be restored in you, to be renewed in your love, mercy and grace that i so desperately need. I surrender every aspect and every dimension of my heart, soul and body to you. I ask your holy spirit to renew me today. Draw me under your authority and under the blood of Jesus. Dear holy and victorious trinity, you alone are deserving of all my trust, you alone are life. I pray today to renounce all things i have made an idol in my heart. You are the hero in my story and I belong to you. Search me, know me, and reveal to me what you are telling and asking of me. I ask today for a spirit of repentance in me, for healing and deliverance and forgiveness. You are the true end of all things, including my life. I worship you; help me to give myself to you to be ONE with you. Father thank you for choosing me and opening the doors for me to your kingdom. Thank you for sending your son Jesus to die on the cross in my place. Thank you for coming to ransom me with your life, Jesus. From judgement and darkness you have delivered me - you are indeed wonderful saviour. Now i pray that daily I will take up your cross and crucify all the things in my heart that do not please you: idolatry, arrogance, pride, self-centeredness. Help me to make no provisions for these things. Thank you again for establishing me in the Father, the son and the holy spirit, for spiritual blessings. Now help me to walk in step with you today, in union with your holy trinity, with your armour - truth, righteousness, salvation, faith, the spirit."

GIVE US THIS DAY OUR DAILY BREAD.

"What a statement of trust! Whatever you want me to have is all I want. Some days the plate runs over. God keeps bringing out more food and we keep loosening our belt. A promotion. A privilege. A friendship. A gift. A lifetime of grace. An eternity of joy. There are times when we literally push ourselves back from the table, amazed at God's kindness. "You serve me a six-course dinner right in front of my enemies. You revive my drooping head; my cup fills with blessing" (Ps. 23:5 MSG).

And then there are those days when, well, when we have to eat our broccoli. Our daily bread could be tears or sorrow or discipline. Our portion may include adversity as well as opportunity.

in other news, it just hit me that God answered a prayer i said just a week back, and it's making me queasy inside just thinking of it. I wanted something and He cared to give it to me - how great is our God? despite my little faith and unchanging spiritual sloth, he still listened and granted. Is this how relentless his pursuit of us is; Father i praise you and i'm sorry. Help me to be committed to prayer and fight harder for intimacy with you every day, even in the midst of so many other things calling out to me for attention.

It's a great verse; how it reminds us to rest in the victory of Jesus on the Cross, but not without a repentant spirit that acknowledges our sinful hearts.

That's how our God is different, isn't it. I love it how so much of what God requires of us is REST, not striving, not work, not performance. He asks instead for us to be still before him (Psalm 46:10), have a gentle and quiet spirit (1 Peter 3:4), to rest in his green pasture (Psalm 23). And through His victory and finished work on the Cross, salvation is rest too.

Stillness, quietness, rest, trust. (:

"In quietness and trust shall be your strength." Our lives, identity, self worth, in the Lord's eyes none of this is based on performance and works. And yet so often we want to prove our strength in all kinds of ways by ourselves, on our own terms: intelligence, achievement, beauty, etc. For our own validation by worldly standards we give ourselves away to an endless overachieving striving, promiscuity, or on the other end of the spectrum, passivity so we avoid failure.

but we really can rest at the cross, just as we are. He'll take you in. His yolk is easy and his burden is light, and He lets His strength be ours. Above all the work was finished thousands of years ago and nothing can ever change that. "It is finished", He says. (John 19:30) We needn't do anything more. Our worth in Him will never be diminished again. (:

At God’s perfect timing
Christ died for fallen man.
He wore a crown of thorns,
Nails driven through His hands.
Christ willingly endured it,
To death He chose to go.
He broke His body for us,
Shed blood to make us whole.

So if I am to boast,
I’ll speak of my disgrace.
For my weak self displays
The power of God’s grace.
Christ’s Spirit works within me,
In weakness He is strong.
So I'll look to my Saviour
To safely bring me home.

这一刻回头看见自己
这一路的风景百感交集的我
下一刻又将飞到哪里
渐渐疲惫的羽翼为你披上了勇气

放心离开我我会记得这一刻
那些还飞翔著不可思议的梦
雨后的天空会有绚烂的彩虹
像最初相信著我们终会找到自由

这一刻时间变成行李
越过生命悲喜陪伴著我前进
因为你让我看清自己
面对未知的恐惧脚步更加坚定

放心离开我我会记得这一刻
那些还飞翔著不可思议的梦
雨后的天空会有绚烂的彩虹
像最初相信著我会找到自由

Got the sun in my eye
not a cloud in the sky
the kid down the block's got a lollipop
and the world is beautiful
again.

going up in balloons
gonna visit the moon
she's got a new name and a brand new aim
and life's a big adventure
again.

the air's warm and still
will it be the red or blue pill
with more decisions to make and roads to take
we're drawing out our maps
again.

then plunge into night
all ready to fight
the rumours of wars have reached our shores
and its time to bring out the guns
again.

but morning will come
so never succumb
gotta pick up the pace, run another race
keep on playing life's game
again.

i'd rather study history, or literature. something substantial and infinitely more breathtaking than business can ever be. and then, not care whether it will not get me a job in the very near future (in actual fact, next year.) because i really don't want to do anything meaningless anyway. i might do something in the corporate sector but God forbid i settle for something that's just going to numb my brain and spoil my eyes (computer.)

the truth is i'd go into ministry work especially for girls/women/children. or juggle social work with a small entrepreneurial business like a cafe and get help from the ton of excellent baker friends i have. If only life was this easy; this is clearly wishful thinking. too bad that the world's standards have corroded itself into a corrupted pile of gunk made out of profits money and more money. and did i mention money. oh and status. it's hard; i want and need money too.

1) i'm just tired of business and annoyed at this boredom (on a very bright note it will be my last year of studying!) 2) i really want to do something meaningful and big in my life that God purposed for me. i need to be reminding myself to think seriously about it this year. i know it's going to be hard but i'm actually getting excited about choosing my path, out of school and beyond.

although. there still remains something that weighs heavily in my heart and i haven't stopped thinking of; but at the same time it reminds me about the preciousness of the present, carpe diem and the things that really matter. As much as it has made me anxious with a sting that is hard to describe, it's also brought me again to a renewed decision of making God my priority. to love and serve Him with all my heart, to dwell in His house all the days of this life He grants me, and essentially to remember how my relationship with Him is of utmost importance. it's jerked me awake to the urgency of living it out too, and not just saying it - to live life with a responsibility and obedience, and in as much seriousness as it's called for.

Daily like this I shall try, in His grace.

Reject the worldly lie that says,
That life lies always up ahead,
Let power go before control
becomes a crust around your soul,
Escape the hunger to possess,
And soul-diminishing success,
This world is full of narrow lives,
I pray by grace your smile survives.

it's scary to think about death and how real and inevitable it is; the thoughts of loss are painful and i wonder about my own time. pondering upon it might provide all the perspective we need to live well, but it sure is frightening too, terribly - more than anything else, the process and what it might be. sometimes i just get so bogged down by thoughts of all the pain and destruction, sin and failures of our flawed and fallible selves, the tragedy and loss and more in this world i get sad. very sad. and i don't know what else to do but to cling on to hope and trust in You, the truth that You are that perfect Shepherd who does not let not one sheep stray away from Your side. and that's how You keep us; neither death nor life can separate us from that Love. Heart, please be at peace.

You Who made the darkness and the light
Sun and moon to watch the day and guard the night
The hand that stretched the heavens like a canopy
Reaches down to cover and watch over me
You're my Creator King

1)having great expectations. it's frightening sometimes to hold them; reality makes it heavy. and you never know if you'll ever watch them come true. but i'm starting to get comfortable with them because: God's best and nothing less. Nothing less than His wonderful because i trust His taste more than mine. i know His expectations are even higher and more honourable than mine could ever be and whatever He expects of me and out of my life, He can well fulfil, so what need I fear about my own? I want to be able to want nothing more and I know He is great enough to bring me to such a place. I trust him; i'm going to hold on. I might think i have great expectations, but my God is far greater.

2) being too happy sometimes makes me uneasy because you're like: so you mean, just like that? that's really it? and then so, now what, you know? what else is there to strive for, you know - that striving that comes from having a sense that there could be something more, from a desire to reach for something high up there, for simply something else. and without that striving there isn't a looking forward either. and Looking Forward is just one of the most important things everrr. basically, i'm happy but i'm sure now it doesn't mean i'm going to sink in and get passive; even if there are no gaps to fill there's so much yet i have to move on to. and i suppose life is full of surprises i don't even know it (of course) i don't think i have to fear boredom or stagnation anymore.

so this is my conclusion: I have great expectations and it's okay. I am happy even just like that and that's okay too. They aren't signals for what will never be, or all there is to be. so I'm okay today; toodles.

it's a little like i've used all the words up and i'm done thinking and writing about the Now, this time, this season. And it's like it's time for some crossing over, over to some place new for another kind of air to breathe in. or perhaps it's just me and my wandering, frivolous heart that can't seem to want to settle and be still and- i don't mean to want to move around searching so much, but whatever it takes for me to settle, i really want nothing less, and i'd need nothing more.

so anyway MORE GILMORE GIRLS (it's waayy better for the heart than gossip girls) when we got back while playing with keisha ---- now that is another very happy activity i swr keisha is just amazingly gorgeous and irresistibly adorably cute. she's the prettiest cat alive and although she's caused quite a bunch of trouble we really still love her. i think i could go on endlessly about her and the things she does to mush someone up but i shall end here.

as Simon and Garfunkel say it: "I've got nothing to do today but smile."
I guess, then. Goodnight :)

Herewith, then, are the lights I look for and the signals I heed:

– Love God more than you fear hell.
– Once a week, let a child take you on a walk.
– Make major decisions in a cemetery.
– When no one is watching, live as if someone is.
– Succeed at home first.
– Don't spend tomorrow’s money today.
– Pray twice as much as you fret.
– Listen twice as much as you speak.
– Only harbor a grudge when God does.
– Never outgrow your love of sunsets.
– Treat people like angels; you will meet some and help make some.
– 'Tis wiser to err on the side of generosity than on the side of scrutiny.
– God has forgiven you; you'd be wise to do the same.
– When you can't trace God's hand, trust his heart.
– Toot your own horn and the notes will be flat.
– Don't feel guilty for God's goodness.
– The book of life is lived in chapters, so know your page number.
– Never let the important be the victim of the trivial.
– Live your liturgy.

1 more gossip girl. ugh but i can't stop
2 Two+ hours of writing today and i've finished 2008 but not quite 2009 though.
3 called chalene up and girlfriend talk is pretty damn good.
4 random mention: listening to "with you i'm born again" has no lyrics to shout about but it's so haunting and it makes me sad as hell but also hopeful somehow

okay so serious thoughts should be organized sometime soon and written out. too much is piling up in the small mind and days are passing way too fast. it's 5 days away from the New Year and i really should make sure i get a substantial good reflection out of this year. i need that clarity and understanding about the things that have come my way, the things i have seen and heard -- to sieve out what i must remember and learn them by heart, and then walk with surer steps into the new year. that we are such forgetful creatures and even the surest clarity can fog up into a blur on another day - remembering has to be a daily exercise doesn't it. i want to take the right things with me into the new year too, and with them carve out something good of the fresh beginning that i have always loved preciously and have waited very keenly for this time.

december days have been great: the musical nights of props and really tiring waitressing, the carolling, shopping, time with churchies, friends/girlfriends, movies, sleep-ins, flowers :) and more movies. i've enjoyed coming home to a star-lit christmas tree every day and the cold windy nights. and not forgetting the first two weeks of dec - bible retreat and cameron highlands, jam packed with lessons from God's word and fellowship. more dinner gatherings in the coming days and i'm looking forward to cooking up a feast tomorrow snug at home :) i only still miss mum dearly though.

Through the years
We all will be together,
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough.
And have yourself a merry little Christmas now.